This is who I am (for the moment)

(Before I start, I’ll preface this by saying that it has little (or possibly all) to do with studying abroad and that it may not be the right place for a post like this but I’m doing it anyway. YOBASAO (you only blog about studying abroad once.))


It was around middle school when I began a long and soul-searching traipse along the “who am I?” avenue. I think that before those years, I was satisfied with my self- and peer-appointed labels that included “spunky” and “smart”. I could continue with mentions of middle school hierarchies and fashion fads but let’s not discuss middle school any further.

In addition to trying to keep myself up-to-date with who I am, I’ve also perpetually led a parallel quest to keep everyone else  who might care up-to-date. Long story short, I think that looking back at adolescence, some of my choices reflect this necessity to correctly convey my personality. Psychoanalysts (such as one in my head) might say this arose from occasions in childhood when I was incorrectly judged or labelled- the most common offender that I was “quiet”. Ugh, it irks me just to think about how often this word was carelessly splattered all over me! But back to those adolescent choices: I’m talking about clothes that had to extremely clearly reflect parts of myself, such as shirts with jokes I’d laugh at on them or plastered with music I felt a strong connection to (Beatles, Wicked…) I’m talking about how (I think) that a reason I was so attached to Facebook was because it allowed me to transmit phrases I actually stood by to anyone who looked at my posts, versus the answers I’d share in school, formulated with the knowledge that when I spoke it, at least 20 of my peers might be listening and if I made a mistake, they’d all hear it. Painting my Facebook personality let me inform those 20 kids that I did have charisma not easily heard in classroom answers to questions about tenements and skeletal systems. From early on, I’ve felt that there have been untrue reputations of myself floating around in, most often, the minds of my classmates. And since those days began, I’ve felt the need to rectify those ideas of who Sophie was.

[Before we go on further, let me say that I fully understand that while I was so busy focused on myself, possibly a fraction of my worries were actually picked up by others. In other words, the majority of all this chaos could’ve been limited to my own mind. As they say, don’t worry so much about embarrassing yourself because everyone else is too busy focusing on themselves to notice.]

I feel so self-centered right now, and that’s because I’m writing a post that’s basically 100% about me. So I’m sorry if you’ve gotten to this point and have waning interest in reading any more about this girl’s musings about teenage psychology. Feel free to leave! But I’m gonna keep on analyzing. As I was saying-

Whenever I unearth a new iota of who I might be, I’m desperate to inform others lest they maintain an untrue description of my character. That’s why I’m going to type the sentences following this one.

I’m not sure if it’s because I’m abroad or am on the verge of turning 21 or what, but I have some news of who I might be.

Thanks to the fortnight of transition and orientation at this new school, I may have orienteered myself (SEE WHAT I DID THERE? 😉 ) closer to unlocking or recognizing who I am (!)

Thanks to a recent examination of the Myers-Briggs test (thanks Elior!) and lots of reflection on how I’ve made friends at QM, here’s what I have to report:

I’m both introverted and extroverted, almost equally, but with the former slightly outweighing the latter. When I’m around many outgoing people, I often recede from conversation, preferring to talk with someone one-on-one or with a group of less loud people.

It’s hard for me to be anything but thorough with things like friendships and travelling. With friendships, you’ll find that it might take me a while to start opening up, but that’s because I’m feeling out what our chemistry is and am slowly beginning to anchor myself to this new commitment. When I make a friend, I intend to nurture the heck out of that friendship to keep it happy and prosperous for a long time. When I went to college, it was really hard to think about leaving my home friends behind (because I still liked them and put so many years of work into our relationships), and so, I’ve stayed in touch with at least five of those friends. In sum: I’m a k-selected species that invests in the long-term and values stability. With travelling, let’s just say I’ve scoured every site about inexpensive things to do in London because I don’t want to miss any of it. I can certainly be spontaneous, but I find peace in planning out trips so that I can be as efficient as possible about spending money and time in a foreign and/or special place. When it comes to things like these (sorry, cleaning my room isn’t on the list), thorough is my middle name.

I think that’s enough for now. Better to read about me in chunks than for me to bare my soul all at once. Probably.

P.S. I’ve dreamed about letting posts like this fly freely on the internet where I can economize my words (reach the most people.) I’m still not sure if this was a good idea or not. But it’s done and I hope that if you’ve made it this far, you’ll respect my vulnerability and maybe even share some of your own.

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3 thoughts on “This is who I am (for the moment)

  1. Sophie! I have always wished to bare my soul to the universe like this but my writing always turns into a blubbering mess whenever I start to write it, so kudos to you!

    Anyways, I can completely relate to the “quiet” labeling that has so often been assigned to me. I can tell who truly knows me when these people can correctly note both the introvert and extrovert characteristics within me. Moreover, I see friendships almost similarly. I think the only difference is I learn to let go and accept the fact that “growing out of friendships” is a thing, which I think comes from being so far away from home and my high school friends for so long.

    Enough about me though. I’ll put in my two cents about who you are (I wasn’t sure if I wanted to do this or not but it’s something of you that I appreciate so much): I think you are one of the most life-loving person I have ever met. Your appreciation for life adventures and interests to learn about things have always amazed me and reminded me how good life is! Ugh, I really miss you but I hope you’re having tons of fun!

    Like

    • Veronica, I can’t find the right word/phrase (it may not exist) but you just made me glow/radiate in all this joy from your comment. Thank you for taking the leap to say something really heartfelt- I appreciate it so much! And as always, I value your words in person or in comments or on your own blog. I miss you too and sincerely hope I can see you in London in a few months!

      Like

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